After Robin Williams' sudden death last year, I fully intended to sit down and write about it because losing him felt strangely personal. As I sorted through why, I realized that I was grieving. I went online and saw that I wasn't alone; so many people posted that they felt like they'd lost a member of their own family. I felt the same. About a stranger, a person I'd never met.
But Robin Williams wasn't exactly a stranger to me. Well, his life outside of TV and film was, of course, but his face, voice, and characters were staples of my childhood. We moved around frequently when I was growing up, never living near extended family, made friends but always ended up leaving them behind. We also didn't have alot of money but we did have a TV, and we gathered around it often to watch movies as a family. I can easily recall a dozen of Robin Williams' movies without having to use Google: Hook, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jack, Flubber, Aladdin, Dead Poets Society, Patch Adams, What Dreams May Come (a personal favorite), Bicentennial Man and Good Will Hunting. (Ok, so that's only 11. I came close. Wait- Aladdin [King of Thieves] can count for two.) But I also remember him in creepy One Hour Photo, RV, Happy Feet and the nutty doctor in Nine Months. There are other movies that were before my time that I still intend to see.
To discover that he'd lost his life to depression truly broke my heart into pieces. To think someone who spread so much laughter and joy in the world suffered so terribly on his own, even though he had family who deeply loved him, shattered me. To have filled so many, but have felt so alone... is truly tragic.
Depression is never something to make light of or dismiss. I know several people who have battled clinical depression, and while I've never been officially diagnosed by a doctor, there have been three defined seasons in my life where I know I've battled a form of it myself. Two of these seasons came on the heels of a devastating loss, one was discovered to be linked to a medication I was taking that made me want to run a pizza cutter over my wrists to avoid doing the dishes. For me, personally, I don't know if I believe depression is ever something I can be "cured" of, something I never have to worry will rear its ugly head again. I do think that, with support, I've taken strong steps toward health but the monster always lurks. My "triggers" can start out as small things. I'm a fairly sensitive person, so a flippant (or intentionally ugly) comment may stick with me for a few days/weeks. In time, that may fade from my mind... but if another comment is made, or something in my life goes wrong, or I experience a major disappointment of some kind... all of these things begin to pile on top of one another and it's hard to crawl out from underneath their weight. If I don't have time to catch my breath between these things, a serious depression can set in.
I have two very important people in my world who count on me, my husband and son, so I try to stay as healthy as I can for me and for them. My outlet for intense feelings or deep thoughts I'm struggling with is to write. It's how I process what I'm feeling. Usually, it's a poem scrawled down at midnight in the notepad I keep on my nightstand. I'll be laying there, attempting to sleep, but words arrange themselves like puzzle pieces and demand to be preserved before I fall asleep and forget. Sometimes it's a blog post. Sometimes a story where I get to right a wrong or change a situation I have no control over in real life. I can't compartmentalize these things, ignore the pulsing of these thoughts swirling around, and go about daily life. I just can't. I have to get them out so I can move on and be 100% present with my boys. And the other people in my life.
I've seen and experienced ugliness. I've struggled. I've been hurt. I've lost. Not nearly as much as other people in the world, but for me... if I entertain those memories, it's enough to lure the monster out of the depths. I never want to deny or hide my story, because in sharing those dark things we shine a light for others. I just have to be careful when and how often I do it. It's worth it if it helps someone else. But it's not worth it if it destroys me in the process. I tread lightly when accessing such memories.
I couldn't fathom a guess as to what Robin Williams' personal demons were. His closest friends and family may not have a clue, either. I do personally know how incredibly difficult it is to pull yourself out of a deep pit of despair. To make it, you have to have someone walk that road with you. Doesn't matter who it is, as long as you trust them with your heart and they are able to make themselves available to you when you call. You are stronger when you admit your weaknesses, because that brings you one step closer to getting the help you need to overcome them. When you are seriously, deeply struggling, please REACH OUT. No matter what time of day, no matter the request. No matter how badly you feel like you're inconveniencing someone. If someone I love calls me at 3am and says they need me to meet them somewhere to talk, I'm out of bed, throwing on clothes, keys in hand, ready to go. If it's the difference between functioning the next day on zero sleep but I can pull my friend back from the ledge, it's 1000% worth it. No question. I know what it's like to feel like you have no one you can call, no one who you think would show up for you. I could never allow someone to feel that way.
On the flip side- BE THAT FRIEND. If someone needs you, BE THERE. You know them. Gauge the urgency in their voice. If they're simply asking to meet up for lunch that week to catch up, great. Be sure to SET that date, don't miss it or cancel. Follow through and send the message that you are reliable and can be counted on. If it's 3am and they insist that they need to see you NOW- get your ass in the car and get where you need to be.
I'm NOT an expert on depression (or anything for that matter). My experience is limited and does not cover everything, and I would never attempt to speak for anyone else. That being said, I believe there are urgent moments, but not every depressed person thinks about or attempts suicide. For me, I more often struggled with the everyday overall feelings of worthlessness and had a "just another day of suck," kind of outlook that lingered for weeks and months (sometimes lasting years). These are not any less important than a frantic friend on the other end of the line. Be sure to frequently check in and make time for this friend. They are running a mental marathon. Sit down with them and listen to them. You don't have to have any answers, you don't have to fix anything. Just say, "thank you for trusting me with this/sharing this with me. Is there anything I can do?" Even if they say no, try to go out of your way to make sure they know you are thinking about them and that you haven't forgotten them. Don't let them slip through the cracks of "busyness." Also, check out this video on empathy vs. sympathy:
When I think of Robin Williams, my heart swells with joy, but in the next moment I'm fighting back tears. Even now, as I write this. Such a larger-than-life man, who felt more like a goofy, fun-loving, bear-hug giving uncle to me than a celebrity I'd never met. I hope that when we remember him, we remember the ways he made us laugh. The way he was able to use his incredible, unparalleled talent to reach out, through a screen, and make your little corner of the world better. Although he chose to end his life, that decision does not negate the beautiful, positive, life-sustaining impact he had on this world and the people in it. May we also remember to go out of our way to love our friends and family, especially anyone who is brave enough to admit that they're struggling. With depression or anything else.
If you've read this and don't feel like you have anyone to reach out to, comment here with your email or send me a message. I will respond.
Thank you for all the beautiful gifts you gave us, "Uncle" Robin. :)
But Robin Williams wasn't exactly a stranger to me. Well, his life outside of TV and film was, of course, but his face, voice, and characters were staples of my childhood. We moved around frequently when I was growing up, never living near extended family, made friends but always ended up leaving them behind. We also didn't have alot of money but we did have a TV, and we gathered around it often to watch movies as a family. I can easily recall a dozen of Robin Williams' movies without having to use Google: Hook, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jack, Flubber, Aladdin, Dead Poets Society, Patch Adams, What Dreams May Come (a personal favorite), Bicentennial Man and Good Will Hunting. (Ok, so that's only 11. I came close. Wait- Aladdin [King of Thieves] can count for two.) But I also remember him in creepy One Hour Photo, RV, Happy Feet and the nutty doctor in Nine Months. There are other movies that were before my time that I still intend to see.
To discover that he'd lost his life to depression truly broke my heart into pieces. To think someone who spread so much laughter and joy in the world suffered so terribly on his own, even though he had family who deeply loved him, shattered me. To have filled so many, but have felt so alone... is truly tragic.
Depression is never something to make light of or dismiss. I know several people who have battled clinical depression, and while I've never been officially diagnosed by a doctor, there have been three defined seasons in my life where I know I've battled a form of it myself. Two of these seasons came on the heels of a devastating loss, one was discovered to be linked to a medication I was taking that made me want to run a pizza cutter over my wrists to avoid doing the dishes. For me, personally, I don't know if I believe depression is ever something I can be "cured" of, something I never have to worry will rear its ugly head again. I do think that, with support, I've taken strong steps toward health but the monster always lurks. My "triggers" can start out as small things. I'm a fairly sensitive person, so a flippant (or intentionally ugly) comment may stick with me for a few days/weeks. In time, that may fade from my mind... but if another comment is made, or something in my life goes wrong, or I experience a major disappointment of some kind... all of these things begin to pile on top of one another and it's hard to crawl out from underneath their weight. If I don't have time to catch my breath between these things, a serious depression can set in.
I have two very important people in my world who count on me, my husband and son, so I try to stay as healthy as I can for me and for them. My outlet for intense feelings or deep thoughts I'm struggling with is to write. It's how I process what I'm feeling. Usually, it's a poem scrawled down at midnight in the notepad I keep on my nightstand. I'll be laying there, attempting to sleep, but words arrange themselves like puzzle pieces and demand to be preserved before I fall asleep and forget. Sometimes it's a blog post. Sometimes a story where I get to right a wrong or change a situation I have no control over in real life. I can't compartmentalize these things, ignore the pulsing of these thoughts swirling around, and go about daily life. I just can't. I have to get them out so I can move on and be 100% present with my boys. And the other people in my life.
I've seen and experienced ugliness. I've struggled. I've been hurt. I've lost. Not nearly as much as other people in the world, but for me... if I entertain those memories, it's enough to lure the monster out of the depths. I never want to deny or hide my story, because in sharing those dark things we shine a light for others. I just have to be careful when and how often I do it. It's worth it if it helps someone else. But it's not worth it if it destroys me in the process. I tread lightly when accessing such memories.
I couldn't fathom a guess as to what Robin Williams' personal demons were. His closest friends and family may not have a clue, either. I do personally know how incredibly difficult it is to pull yourself out of a deep pit of despair. To make it, you have to have someone walk that road with you. Doesn't matter who it is, as long as you trust them with your heart and they are able to make themselves available to you when you call. You are stronger when you admit your weaknesses, because that brings you one step closer to getting the help you need to overcome them. When you are seriously, deeply struggling, please REACH OUT. No matter what time of day, no matter the request. No matter how badly you feel like you're inconveniencing someone. If someone I love calls me at 3am and says they need me to meet them somewhere to talk, I'm out of bed, throwing on clothes, keys in hand, ready to go. If it's the difference between functioning the next day on zero sleep but I can pull my friend back from the ledge, it's 1000% worth it. No question. I know what it's like to feel like you have no one you can call, no one who you think would show up for you. I could never allow someone to feel that way.
On the flip side- BE THAT FRIEND. If someone needs you, BE THERE. You know them. Gauge the urgency in their voice. If they're simply asking to meet up for lunch that week to catch up, great. Be sure to SET that date, don't miss it or cancel. Follow through and send the message that you are reliable and can be counted on. If it's 3am and they insist that they need to see you NOW- get your ass in the car and get where you need to be.
I'm NOT an expert on depression (or anything for that matter). My experience is limited and does not cover everything, and I would never attempt to speak for anyone else. That being said, I believe there are urgent moments, but not every depressed person thinks about or attempts suicide. For me, I more often struggled with the everyday overall feelings of worthlessness and had a "just another day of suck," kind of outlook that lingered for weeks and months (sometimes lasting years). These are not any less important than a frantic friend on the other end of the line. Be sure to frequently check in and make time for this friend. They are running a mental marathon. Sit down with them and listen to them. You don't have to have any answers, you don't have to fix anything. Just say, "thank you for trusting me with this/sharing this with me. Is there anything I can do?" Even if they say no, try to go out of your way to make sure they know you are thinking about them and that you haven't forgotten them. Don't let them slip through the cracks of "busyness." Also, check out this video on empathy vs. sympathy:
When I think of Robin Williams, my heart swells with joy, but in the next moment I'm fighting back tears. Even now, as I write this. Such a larger-than-life man, who felt more like a goofy, fun-loving, bear-hug giving uncle to me than a celebrity I'd never met. I hope that when we remember him, we remember the ways he made us laugh. The way he was able to use his incredible, unparalleled talent to reach out, through a screen, and make your little corner of the world better. Although he chose to end his life, that decision does not negate the beautiful, positive, life-sustaining impact he had on this world and the people in it. May we also remember to go out of our way to love our friends and family, especially anyone who is brave enough to admit that they're struggling. With depression or anything else.
If you've read this and don't feel like you have anyone to reach out to, comment here with your email or send me a message. I will respond.
Thank you for all the beautiful gifts you gave us, "Uncle" Robin. :)
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