So, there’s an article floating around Facebook this week titled, “The Selfishness of Skipping Church.” A few people on my friends' list shared it, so I read it. First, it made me angry. Then, it made me sad.
The author essentially concludes that there’s one reason and one reason alone that a Christian walks away from the church. Selfishness.
“The culprits in the current spiritual malaise and indifference in our country are the selfish Christians who fail to consider how they can help, assist, and encourage someone else by coming faithfully to church instead of focusing on and serving their own wants, preferences, needs, and schedules. That single mindset of coming to church not for what you can receive, but for what you can provide is the key to a true spiritual renewal in our land. When you are not in church the gifts and abilities in you are not made available to others. That’s why skipping church is selfish and the complete opposite of the example of Jesus, the mission of Jesus, and the commands of Jesus...If you have become distant, cold, lifeless, and selfish in absenting yourself and your family from the Church, repent and return to a faithful lifestyle and relationship with your local church.”
I'll admit, the article immediately made me defensive. My husband and I left the church we were attending four years ago, a decision I would not hesitate to make again. If I could go back, the only difference I would have made is that I would have left much sooner. During a Sunday morning message, our former pastor shared intimate details of members' personal counseling sessions, including how much those counseling sessions were costing the church. When he added “we will soon be out from under that burden,” I knew it was time for us to leave. It was not the first time he had inserted himself into situations and relationships he had no business being involved in, but it was the last time my husband and I could stomach his actions.
The article also made me sad, because the author lumps anyone who identifies as a Christian but doesn’t attend church into one story. Which is ridiculous; not a single person on this earth lives the exact same story. The tone here is ignorant, arrogant, and judgmental. I seriously doubt he took the time to sit down with unchurched people to listen to their stories. I have. The people I know who don’t attend church I would never call selfish, cold, or lifeless. The people I know who have left the church are strong Christians who love Jesus but left because the church environment they were involved in was shockingly unhealthy. Some of these people were horribly hurt and abused by the church. Not just members, but leadership and pastors. The very people who are in the “business” of loving people have betrayed some of their best members by molesting their hearts in unspeakable ways, perpetuating unhealth, destroying confidences, trust, faith and more.
This group of people have severed ties with their abusers and they aren’t ready to go back. And in some cases, they shouldn’t ever go back, at least to the churches or pastors who abused them. You can and should walk toward forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean you restore connection with the person who abused you. If the author's conclusion that all former churchgoers share the same story, then he's implying that removing yourself from an unhealthy, abusive church is a selfish decision that can only be rectified by returning to the church that abused you? Would you tell a man/woman who courageously leaves an abusive spouse that they were selfish to leave and need to go back and repent? Or to immediately jump into a new relationship? If you have half a heart (or a brain), NO, you wouldn’t say that.
Where is the compassion in this post? Where is the desire to understand, to listen to anyone’s personal story? Where is Jesus in His words?
In my opinion, nowhere to be found.
The unchurched do not need your judgment. That won’t bring them back. They need your compassion. They need to hear that they aren’t alone, forgotten or condemned. Tell them that they are loved, listen to their story and tell them you will pray that the Lord restores their faith and hope in the church.
PLEASE keep this verse in mind. "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:1-2
Sharing the above blog post does nothing productive. You are just making noise. Instead of taking the time to share something judgmental, maybe start a conversation with someone and say, “so, I know you aren’t going to church anymore. Would you mind sharing what happened?”
I guarantee you the author of that shared post didn’t do that.
If you truly want to know why so many people are walking away, THIS is a better article to read and share. None of us are perfect. That being said, no matter which side you’re on, placing the entirety of the blame on THEM instead of taking a good look in the mirror to see if you might need to make some healthy changes is the best way to ensure a resolution never happens.
Basically, if you’re angry that people are leaving/have left the church, maybe don’t judge and condemn them if you want them to come back. Also, keep in mind that you're a representative of the church you attend. If you use judgmental, condemning words, you church is the LAST one I would want to visit. And if you’ve left the church, definitely seek the healing and safe people that you need, but hold out hope that not every church is corrupt and unhealthy. Draw close to the Lord and maybe He will lead you to one that will restore your spirit and your faith.
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