Padding through the dark of my kitchen, having crawled out of bed at midnight and crept across the house to quiet the crying baby, only to have him surrender to sleep as my fingers touched the doorknob to his room, my always-anxious brain has fully awakened and decides "hey, now would be a great time to analyze the details of your day!" (Note: NOT cool, Brain!) I get back into bed but am powerless to stop my racing thoughts. I sadly conclude that today was not a day where I marveled over countless joys; today was a day where I felt like I merely survived. Put one foot in front of the other and somehow dragged myself over the threshold of the day’s end when my husband walked in the door from work. Nothing truly terrible happened, but being "on" all day long with these precious, needy(whiny?) babies wore me down. I was ready for a nap by noon.
After bath and bedtime routine with our boys, my husband was relaxing on the couch, watching a favorite TV show, but I was still going. Rinsing dinner dishes, emptying and reloading the dishwasher, picking up and placing strewn items back into their proper homes, balancing the checkbook and preparing bills for mailing, readying my son's backpack and lunchbox for his half day of preschool, making mental notes of all that needed to get done the next day. Slightly annoyed when I realized that my entire day, down to the minute, had been completely filled by serving everyone else.
I thought, "I should use this time to do something for myself..." Shower? (I haven't yet had one today.) Run/walk on the treadmill to get a jump on swimsuit season? (Our family takes a trip every summer and I always think "if only I had started caring about exercise early in the year instead of thinking about it as I'm packing my suitcase for the beach...") What about curling up somewhere quiet with one of the books on my never-ending TBR list? And, oops, tomorrow is the last day of the month, and I've yet to complete any of the three assignments in my monthly writing workshop. Maybe I should just put pen to paper, sit down at my desk (that I bought nearly two years ago intending to use as a “writing” desk but have yet to actually write anything on) and knock one of those out?
Or maybe... maybe I should just get in bed early for a change. Especially since my 8 month old is still waking at least once, usually twice, during the night to nurse.
I'm so exhausted, this one wins. I get myself ready for bed, comfy nightgown, teeth brushed, face washed. I rinse my essential oil diffuser and add lavender and eucalyptus oil to the fresh water, hoping to add a deeper element to tonight's sleep. I pull back the patterned quilt and slide between our soft, gray sheets, something I've desperately craved all day. I begin to clear notifications from my phone, so I can sleep without wondering if there's something I've forgotten about, and plug it into the charger.
My husband's show is over and he changes out of his clothes and joins me. In almost ten years of marriage he can be ready for bed in fifteen seconds, but it's always taken me thirty minutes or more from the time I say "I'm going to bed" for me to actually get in it. He cocoons himself in the blankets and leans over to kiss me, as he's done every night since we've been married.
It's usually in these quiet moments before we fall asleep that I calculate how much alone time (quality alone time, talking to each other and not just sitting in front of the TV screen together) we've had that day. Maybe twenty minutes? These years with littles are tough on a marriage. The kids come first, your spouse gets what’s left over, and you.. well, there’s not really anything left for you. And it can make you a little crazy.
One of the first writing prompts in my workshop was to "write a pep talk." So this is mine, to “WHERE IS DADDY? I’M SOOOO DONE, THESE KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!” Deep-In-the-Trenches Me, who shows up more often than I’d like to admit in this season of life with littles.
Hey there, Exasperated Jen. Yes, I see you there, in the middle of what your mind is telling you feels like chaos. You've held it together all day, but now the straw has broken the proverbial camel’s back and you want to escape. I know, some days, it’s easy to see the joy, the blessings. Your two boys are happy all day and seemingly grateful and even act like they love you back and would be totally lost without you. Other days, you have to dig down deep to see the tiniest crumbs of joy. I know it can be hard, as a wife and mom, to feel split in so many directions, to keep the household running, clean clothes in the drawers, and funk from accumulating in the corners, to be in charge of little people and wonder if you're doing a good job or maybe fueling their future therapy sessions, to barely have time for your spouse and again, none for yourself.
Here’s the thing, though. When your kids have trampled your patience and you want to escape, when you feel completely depleted but your husband is leaning in for a goodnight kiss, when your mom is grieving a loss and asking for advice, when a friend calls needing you to listen and offer comforting words for their breaking heart… you have an opportunity. Don’t phone it in. Don’t give in to exhaustion and turn away. Even when you feel drained, dig down deep and keep giving. Sure, everyone needs refueling. (You especially need to work on calmly saying, out loud, “I’m overwhelmed and need a moment to myself.” Even to your babies. “Sorry, Mommy needs a time out, y’all. BRB.” I promise, it’s ok.) Coffee, a tiny chocolate gobbled in the dark of the pantry so you don’t have to share, a moment outside in the fresh air to breathe deep, extended alone time (obviously once reinforcements have arrived to properly supervise your dependents), a long walk on a nice day, a hot bath or shower, going to a movie by yourself, skipping Bible study in favor of holing up in Panera with paper and a pen and emptying every thought out of your head and onto the page. YES, YES, YES to all those things and more. What I’m saying is don’t quit. Always choose love.
Love is hard, but oh man, is it worth it. It's hard, but it's necessary, especially for you, you passionate fool. (Remember those years you built walls and tried to live safe? You learned REAL quick that, as badass as you think you are, locking your heart away was NO WAY TO LIVE.) It's so very hard sometimes, but you know you genuinely love this life you are fortunate to live and you wouldn’t change a thing (except maybe somehow eliminate whining forever and ever, amen?). On tough days, keep in mind that circumstances could always be worse. Remember today, when your best friend called to let you know a dear friend of hers lost her long battle with cancer, leaving behind a five year old daughter? Remember how your heart fell into your stomach as you imagined her fighting to stay alive these past few months to have more precious time with her baby girl, not wanting to leave her motherless? And, currently, your top five text messages are all prayer requests from friends. Your “tough day” doesn’t compare. Granted, it isn’t nothing- it still matters, but being reminded of these other circumstances brings a healthy perspective. It’s a reminder to count the things that you have (that you sometimes take for granted), starting with 1) your husband and children, 2) healthy minds & bodies, 3) food/clothing/shelter/reliable vehicles. 4) family and friends. 5) Jason's job, which provides so well for our family. 6) a wide open future, with freedoms, goals and dreams and the drive to pursue and accomplish them all. 7) the knowledge that you could keep going with this list until sunrise tomorrow, possibly even sunset. Or maybe forever. You have much to be thankful for.
Basically, In-the-Trenches-Jen, what I’m trying to say is never tire of choosing love. There is too much ugliness, hate, fear, and "I quit" and "I can't" in the world. Combat some of that by choosing love even when you feel empty. Not only for the people who matter most to you, but also for strangers, and maybe even those who've wronged you. Pouring out that kind of superhuman love has an odd way of filling you up.
From somewhere within me, a place exhaustion hasn't yet claimed, I’m able to smile at the boy I’ve known since I was sixteen, kiss him back and say "you do a great job taking care of your family, babe." He sighs, an nearly-perceptible weight lifts off his broad shoulders, and his bearded face nuzzles my cheek. "I try..." he humbly replies. Earlier, I was at my wit’s end, having chosen to love on my babies all day even though it drained me. But here I am, exhausted and clawing for sleep, letting go and choosing this man, this love.
*YOC Ladies, I feel like this definitely checks the “pep talk” box, but it’s also kind of a love letter to my husband, and family, and this season of life we’re currently in? Right?? So I basically just completed TWO assignments?!? YESSSSS? Ok, totally going to count this for both. Check and check. Thanks in advance for agreeing with me.
**Ok, FINE... I will take my own advice and not "phone it in," and half-ass my assignment. If I was going to write a love letter to my husband & family, it should probably stand on its own. Gah. Love is hard. Writing is hard. Practicing what you preach is hard, too. :)
After bath and bedtime routine with our boys, my husband was relaxing on the couch, watching a favorite TV show, but I was still going. Rinsing dinner dishes, emptying and reloading the dishwasher, picking up and placing strewn items back into their proper homes, balancing the checkbook and preparing bills for mailing, readying my son's backpack and lunchbox for his half day of preschool, making mental notes of all that needed to get done the next day. Slightly annoyed when I realized that my entire day, down to the minute, had been completely filled by serving everyone else.
I thought, "I should use this time to do something for myself..." Shower? (I haven't yet had one today.) Run/walk on the treadmill to get a jump on swimsuit season? (Our family takes a trip every summer and I always think "if only I had started caring about exercise early in the year instead of thinking about it as I'm packing my suitcase for the beach...") What about curling up somewhere quiet with one of the books on my never-ending TBR list? And, oops, tomorrow is the last day of the month, and I've yet to complete any of the three assignments in my monthly writing workshop. Maybe I should just put pen to paper, sit down at my desk (that I bought nearly two years ago intending to use as a “writing” desk but have yet to actually write anything on) and knock one of those out?
Or maybe... maybe I should just get in bed early for a change. Especially since my 8 month old is still waking at least once, usually twice, during the night to nurse.
I'm so exhausted, this one wins. I get myself ready for bed, comfy nightgown, teeth brushed, face washed. I rinse my essential oil diffuser and add lavender and eucalyptus oil to the fresh water, hoping to add a deeper element to tonight's sleep. I pull back the patterned quilt and slide between our soft, gray sheets, something I've desperately craved all day. I begin to clear notifications from my phone, so I can sleep without wondering if there's something I've forgotten about, and plug it into the charger.
My husband's show is over and he changes out of his clothes and joins me. In almost ten years of marriage he can be ready for bed in fifteen seconds, but it's always taken me thirty minutes or more from the time I say "I'm going to bed" for me to actually get in it. He cocoons himself in the blankets and leans over to kiss me, as he's done every night since we've been married.
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It's usually in these quiet moments before we fall asleep that I calculate how much alone time (quality alone time, talking to each other and not just sitting in front of the TV screen together) we've had that day. Maybe twenty minutes? These years with littles are tough on a marriage. The kids come first, your spouse gets what’s left over, and you.. well, there’s not really anything left for you. And it can make you a little crazy.
One of the first writing prompts in my workshop was to "write a pep talk." So this is mine, to “WHERE IS DADDY? I’M SOOOO DONE, THESE KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!” Deep-In-the-Trenches Me, who shows up more often than I’d like to admit in this season of life with littles.
Hey there, Exasperated Jen. Yes, I see you there, in the middle of what your mind is telling you feels like chaos. You've held it together all day, but now the straw has broken the proverbial camel’s back and you want to escape. I know, some days, it’s easy to see the joy, the blessings. Your two boys are happy all day and seemingly grateful and even act like they love you back and would be totally lost without you. Other days, you have to dig down deep to see the tiniest crumbs of joy. I know it can be hard, as a wife and mom, to feel split in so many directions, to keep the household running, clean clothes in the drawers, and funk from accumulating in the corners, to be in charge of little people and wonder if you're doing a good job or maybe fueling their future therapy sessions, to barely have time for your spouse and again, none for yourself.
Here’s the thing, though. When your kids have trampled your patience and you want to escape, when you feel completely depleted but your husband is leaning in for a goodnight kiss, when your mom is grieving a loss and asking for advice, when a friend calls needing you to listen and offer comforting words for their breaking heart… you have an opportunity. Don’t phone it in. Don’t give in to exhaustion and turn away. Even when you feel drained, dig down deep and keep giving. Sure, everyone needs refueling. (You especially need to work on calmly saying, out loud, “I’m overwhelmed and need a moment to myself.” Even to your babies. “Sorry, Mommy needs a time out, y’all. BRB.” I promise, it’s ok.) Coffee, a tiny chocolate gobbled in the dark of the pantry so you don’t have to share, a moment outside in the fresh air to breathe deep, extended alone time (obviously once reinforcements have arrived to properly supervise your dependents), a long walk on a nice day, a hot bath or shower, going to a movie by yourself, skipping Bible study in favor of holing up in Panera with paper and a pen and emptying every thought out of your head and onto the page. YES, YES, YES to all those things and more. What I’m saying is don’t quit. Always choose love.
Love is hard, but oh man, is it worth it. It's hard, but it's necessary, especially for you, you passionate fool. (Remember those years you built walls and tried to live safe? You learned REAL quick that, as badass as you think you are, locking your heart away was NO WAY TO LIVE.) It's so very hard sometimes, but you know you genuinely love this life you are fortunate to live and you wouldn’t change a thing (except maybe somehow eliminate whining forever and ever, amen?). On tough days, keep in mind that circumstances could always be worse. Remember today, when your best friend called to let you know a dear friend of hers lost her long battle with cancer, leaving behind a five year old daughter? Remember how your heart fell into your stomach as you imagined her fighting to stay alive these past few months to have more precious time with her baby girl, not wanting to leave her motherless? And, currently, your top five text messages are all prayer requests from friends. Your “tough day” doesn’t compare. Granted, it isn’t nothing- it still matters, but being reminded of these other circumstances brings a healthy perspective. It’s a reminder to count the things that you have (that you sometimes take for granted), starting with 1) your husband and children, 2) healthy minds & bodies, 3) food/clothing/shelter/reliable vehicles. 4) family and friends. 5) Jason's job, which provides so well for our family. 6) a wide open future, with freedoms, goals and dreams and the drive to pursue and accomplish them all. 7) the knowledge that you could keep going with this list until sunrise tomorrow, possibly even sunset. Or maybe forever. You have much to be thankful for.
Basically, In-the-Trenches-Jen, what I’m trying to say is never tire of choosing love. There is too much ugliness, hate, fear, and "I quit" and "I can't" in the world. Combat some of that by choosing love even when you feel empty. Not only for the people who matter most to you, but also for strangers, and maybe even those who've wronged you. Pouring out that kind of superhuman love has an odd way of filling you up.
------------------------------------------------------------------
From somewhere within me, a place exhaustion hasn't yet claimed, I’m able to smile at the boy I’ve known since I was sixteen, kiss him back and say "you do a great job taking care of your family, babe." He sighs, an nearly-perceptible weight lifts off his broad shoulders, and his bearded face nuzzles my cheek. "I try..." he humbly replies. Earlier, I was at my wit’s end, having chosen to love on my babies all day even though it drained me. But here I am, exhausted and clawing for sleep, letting go and choosing this man, this love.
Remember this--a farmer who plants only a few seeds will get a small crop. But the one who plants generously will get a generous crop. -2 Corinthians 9:6
Let us not tire of preaching love; it is the force that will overcome the world. Let us not tire of preaching love. Though we see that waves of violence succeed in drowning the fire of Christian love, love must win out; it is the only thing that can. -Oscar Romero
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*YOC Ladies, I feel like this definitely checks the “pep talk” box, but it’s also kind of a love letter to my husband, and family, and this season of life we’re currently in? Right?? So I basically just completed TWO assignments?!? YESSSSS? Ok, totally going to count this for both. Check and check. Thanks in advance for agreeing with me.
**Ok, FINE... I will take my own advice and not "phone it in," and half-ass my assignment. If I was going to write a love letter to my husband & family, it should probably stand on its own. Gah. Love is hard. Writing is hard. Practicing what you preach is hard, too. :)
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